Explore, confront, welcome boredom… here is today the 4th teaching of my Quest :
we were talking about “daring vulnerability” and well, wether it was in the full (within our united magic family) or in the vacuum (of my loneliness), i have never experienced such a great vulnerability.
vulnerability that is material, physical since we were living and sleeping outdoors. no shower, before the fast, we already had “special” meals (vegan, but also without salt, sugar, oil, spice… yummie!), little and bigger beasts everywhere, and also thunder, storms, mist, light rain, heavy rain, rain from the left, rain from the right, opened sky to stars, double rainbow, cold, heat… within 8 days the weather has shown us its whole palette of know how.
vulnerability that is psychical, since we were called to our most intimate issues, and boundaries… with the perspective to break through… or not. we had myriade of crazy experimentations, circle of talk, unbelievable psycho-magical gestures and rituals, and then loneliness and fasting.
the key word was then “Surrender”. the step beyond “welcoming”. you offer your whole being to what is given to you. and whatever happens you just hold on to that magical “sutra” :
you get what you need
you denude yourself, layer after layer after layer. you surrender and can then see the darkness that must be acknowledged, that has damaged yourself and others, that has prevented you from “being”, you also acknowledge that bliss you can sometimes experience will have an end.
Don’t swim, float said Osho
it took me some time to understand but maybe i did then. because when you are hungry, and/or cold, you learn not to swim against the flow. you take the wave. without fighting against it. and finding that it does not kill you either.
and then you become curious of your internal mechanism, of your thoughts and sensations : ah oh okay, it feels this ways to be hungry (damn!)?! oh and it feels that way to have that anxiety?! oh and i produce that anxiety just after having my stomach ache, weuhou interesting! and this anxious thought looks like a man in the darkness of the night who has actually been staring at me for hours without me noticing him. he is actually just 10cm besides me… with 10 other guys. fuck… that is really interesting… observations…
likewise, i was wiped out at dawn but would always wait for the first star to appear in front of me. impossible though to wait for the complete night to fall down. but every night a kind mosquito would wake me up. i believe it was always the same guy because, the noise was the same, it was only one of “them” (and i did not kill him night after night). i was not angry at him/her. i was in his/her house wasn’t i?! so i would wake up and then a sky full of stars would be waiting for me. such a splendor i can’t tell. so you just wake up and look at the starry night until you fall asleep again. and you lose all that anxiety about not sleeping enough at night. you just sleep when you sleep and are awoken when you are awoken. it becomes as simple that.
this idea to “surrender” had actually already enabled me to prepare myself to this whole journey. i was, like some of you write me in the comments, not sure to be “able” to do all that. not enough courage, not enough will. but i was willing to go at the same! do you know what i mean?! and the idea to “Surrender” enabled me not to hold on my fears and this step enabled me to live “more”, because i don’t have to avoid my bad, inconfortable sensations anymore. i know now i can let the wave be. and pass through. i can live and embrasse them.
i had this word in my consciousness before and during the hill, but after the Quest, Jerry had prepared a necklace for everyone, and Surrender was the very word he had chosen to engrave (he has a different word or quote for each Vision Quest he organises).
thank you again for all the interest you are showing for these posts. i feel profoundly happy that you find personal resonances. wish you a good trip!
see you tomorrow