SHY

SHY

Spirit Horse has this capacity to mirror things you don’t know about yourself : i found out i was actually quite a shy person. i never thought so. i have been teaching for 20 years, has encountered and filmed so many people, listened and talked to them… i never thought i was that shy.
i have realized it by my incapacity to meet other people. to look at them in the eyes. talk to them openly. so weird because i had so many nice things to tell them. “i love your endless silver plates, your colorful embroidered skirts, you look so beautiful” “oh i have heard you’ve done that last year. this so amazing. tell me everything.” “how is it to live in the woods?” “your girls and you, in that refurbished beautiful van, your music, your guitar and violin, your little one keeps laughing all the time with her hair full of straw, and i would love to film you all!”
impossible. not a word. not a gaze. nothing.
i have realized it also at the closing of “Caldron for All” festival. as for the opening, there is a talking cercle. each one introduce him or herself, his.her emotions and soul. everybody is free but everyone has to speak out his.her heart. out loud. and each time a violent emotion captures me. for the closing i was crying like a baby. because, no one was listening to a teacher, or a blogger, or a whatever… it was all about me. just me. and i am shaking like a leave… and when there are 150 people welcoming you, in this vulnerability, this shyness, these tears, without saying it is a problem to tackle, it makes me cry even more. 
maybe that what shyness is about : feeling so vulnerable to show who you are, you can’t handle it. let us see wether my curiosity is stronger next year!
while going back home, i was telling Jerry how peacefull this second journey at Spirit Horse has been to me. but the minute i said that, i realized how actually it has been a challenging time for the community. it was full yes, but not with peace at all. some people were sharing how angry, or sad or full of grief they were, how also joyful, grateful some others felt. and i thought, what is that magical place to enable all these diverse, contradictory, truthfull intense emotions?!

and the answer was there : just welcome it. with people who cares. be caring yourself for others. now. welcome. maybe that is what true belonging is about.

and so i thought, i wanted to bring that back home, back in my city life, back in this blog. 
don’t hesitate to send me comments! and share your own story. we do it a lot i

cheers!

There is1 year / Bouche 2 comment(s)

2 comment(s)

  • Hello Mai !
    Pour me reconnaitre un peu dans la timidité, c’est peut-être aussi du a une forme d’hypersensibilité qui fait que beaucoup de choses me/te débordent par leur intensité et du coup hop! Coquille de protection.
    Sinon ton post me fait penser à Virginie Despentes, dans un tout autre style. Elle raconte souvent qu’elle s’est assagie avec l’âge, très punk dans sa jeunesse et surtout très très très portée sur l’alcool. Je crois qu’elle a arrêté l’alcool, et ce qu’elle disait, c’est qu’elle a découvert aussi à une quarantaine d’années qu’elle était timide. Je trouve ça assez beau.

  • merci amandine! oui virginie despentes! les gens timides ont beaucoup de trastégies très inconsciente pour (se) cacher leur timidité. d’après ce elle dit, elle a aujourd’hui arrété l’alcool. je trouve ça très beau de se découvrir après avoir tant neutralisé ou caché d’une manière ou d’une autre ce que tu étais. je ne sais si c’est s’assagir, mais c’est sans doute quelque chose de l’autre de la sagesse! oui!
    après l’hypersensibilité, comme tout, peut se canaliser (non pas se neutraliser) de manière créative. c’est un cadeau incroyable. parfois un peu complexe à gérer, mais un cadea quand même! merci pour ton com!

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