You Piss Me Off
Hahahahah, this title is written with the font arial 80 and blinks of course! Because today I would like to talk to you about ANGER! Rhaaaaaaa!
A subject which finally XXXX this blog for the past year, because if recap:
> I only admitted to myself last year that there was some anger in me (at 38 years old)(38 years of blindeness!)(pffff)
It was during a dance class with the founder of Krump, Tight Eyez.. 2 years earlier!
> I then read Jerry’s book (oh my Jerry!) whose chapter about the Dark Side challenged me so much.
> Then the lecture on Spinoza and his necessity to know your inner demons if you don’t want to be their first victims
> And this obvious expression from “do you want to be good or whole“.
> We then played with Trump’s arrival to power play “this is so me.”
Eh..ah yeah that adds up at the end. Actually it’s MY subject of the moment and actually…
I have decided to practice anger. I mean “my” anger
and in fact… it’s ok!
1. Boys don’t cry… Girls can’t be angry.
So manifestly, I am helped for that, since Jerry has been anger… teacher HAHAHAHA naaaannn???? Yessssss! I swear, he performed seminars and retreats, etc. around the anger theme. We talked about vulnerability and about our huge difficulty to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. By shame. And that this shame is societally organized by gender. Men must always be strong and women always even, beautiful and mostly always effortless. So boy’s don’t cry, girls can’t be angry!
Jerry tells me that during very simple exercices like “you are set in in a closed room with a baseball bat and pillows” men have no problem beating, while women will start sobbing at the idea of holding a bat in their hands. TO GET ANGRY FOR A WOMEN IS SIMPLY FORBIDDEN! And I find it important that each of us can understand how society activates with him/her in a involuntary manner, but very cunningly and probing (we soon talk about ordinary racism, of misogyny, of spanking…). The image of an angry man is scary, an angry women is made fun of. To forbid anger is a very effective submissive tool. Feminists rise up…in anger!
2. Usefulness of anger.
Still according to Jerry, someone who is never angry (like me)(before), it’s a house with the door and window permanently open: it’s dangerous! Because you let a whole bunch of toxic things get in, without noticing them for what they are. Someone anastrophic (the opposite of catastrophic) is putting themselves in danger without being aware of it.
It’s a… child (carebear type)
So there once again, I talk to the little girl whom you might have difficulty letting go because the anger (I mean the adult anger) is the end of perfection. It’s all of a sudden to head toward your “whole” and no longer your “good.”
3. The practice of anger. Part one. Recognizing it.
Okay, so anger is like fear, it has a purpose but it can be devastating. This is why you don’t go there. But the other day I receive a notification from headspace saying: if you never commit to feeling judged negative how can you understand them?
We all have buttons, levers, which once somehow activated can trigger anger that can be unmanageable. Unmanageable either because they go way too far, or because they get directly shoved under the rug: we don’t manage it.
So the first step for me I think was to accept: well yes I have an anger issue. Then I let it activate itself (not necessarily expressing itself to the other, but at least to be present inside me). Like there was a few people in me: the angry person and the one observing the situation. Within a year I was able to put my finger on those famous buttons. Therefore for me what drives me nuts (I am not saying this is good)(or bad), IT IS WHAT IT IS, well yes for the 3 majors drive of my anger are:
>The perception of ungratefulness from the other
>The feeling that the other wants me for himself without taking in consideration who I am and what I desire. In short being objectified.
These are all perceptions, we are okay, right? But for me it’s huge, it’s absolutelly huge to be able to pinpoint them. And I invite to do the same for yourself.
I also understood that my angers are explosive. It erupts, it possesses me if I don’t evacuate them. Other people are cold and collected in their anger. Others find refuge in addictive attitudes (beauty, drugs etc…). There again it’s up to you to observe yourself.
4. The practice of anger. Part two. Express it.
Ai Wei Wei and his “studies of perspective”
Some people are using their anger very well. Because it’s an absolutely incredible energy flux and if they happen to be able to mount it, well damn that can become very beautiful.
I think of a few artists, we already talked about Tight Eyez for whom it’s very conscious, but you also have people like Maiwen, she is fully angry, isn’t she? Ai Wei Wei as well.
They must be awful to live with, but for the world, they are channeling this anger. And I find this great. Then of course militants. Without anger, there will always be people like Fillon to steal AND to complain about how his being treated (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!), racist killer cops (what!? Can’t say negro casually anymore?!), young or old rapist who ask for a light punishment to preserve their future, etc.
You need some anger to stop hate and injustice.
Jerry has at home some images of the goddess Kali. She is furious, tongue out, wears a skull necklace and shows the decapited head of her last victim. She is the goddess of destruction… and creation. And what that she destroys? Ignorance and stupidity. I am not quite at the level where I would worship her, but I think it certainly widely opens some perspectives. Good or whole?!
So evidently, with the man I have, it’s “easy” to get angry. Easy not in the way where I have a lot of reasons be angry all the time but because all the right conditions are met to tell me: go ahead you are entitled to it, you can my darling.
So I allow myself to express my anger in a lot of different situations: going from “you are really exaggerating” to “you tell me/don’t ever do this again” or also in situations where you maintain a constructive dialogue, all the while stating “I am warning you that I am angry, I would like to find a solution together and I believe in it hence why we are talking together but please understand that I am currently angry.”
And more often than not people are very receptive and understanding. That surprised me. So I went further: I forced myself to express my anger systematically. Well holly molly, I saw all that I was never expressing until then… it’s staggering!
But it also feel good to show who you are right at the moment, up to to the other side to be welcoming or not, to understand or not, that there is a dialogue, always a listening ear. You must also accept that your truth might not be manageable for the other side.
In this case I talk about situations where the matter stays safely confined to a situation or given act.
We can go deeper.
5.The practice of anger. Part three. Lose yourself in it (optional).
So there, about two weeks ago (yes that’s why I can’t get myself to write since then… it takes time to digest), for the very first time I was able to explode, cry, scream and smash it all.
And right there is like a trip, I spit it all out ( damn it’s so hard for me), they listen, they agree (yes, it’s true you are right), and they ask for more, more and more. And I go deeper and deeper, always deeper, and then I drift, I am entitled to it and I drift some more, I don’t think it lasted long but still, I keep drifting until I turn around and I realize that I am alone. I find myself on the other side of the bank. You know the bank of the famous “I hate you, all you bunch of motherfuckers” and I see that I am still entitled but that I am alone because I went too far, within me in my anger, but I was entitled to it. And now I can get back on my barge, calmed and come back. Because I am entitled and that they are waiting for me on the other side and they tell me : We understand you. And I am sorry.
There you breakdown in tears, because anger as Aurelie use to tell me talking about her Garry, it’s an emotion of substitution. It’s a door toward an immense grief, then something else will come out of it and once this door will be reached and opened all your sorrow will be able to come out. I swear it makes you feel so good. And better be, whenever it’s possible, go see for yourself instead of blowing up in unfitting situations ( oops, your best friend’s wedding where you got into a fight “because you were so drunk”), or simply unfair (oops, your kid or your relationship gets the brunt of it), etc, etc.
Bah, life is richer, but also more complex. It’s the famous amp button: you turn the dial of all your emotions louder or lower.
It’s therefore a life choice, but for me who is always seeking for this exploration of the intimate, well it makes sense.
And it’s less comfortable to announce no matter what, it’s okay, life is beautiful, while this is not always possible for yourself and evidently as well as for the other.
Also, we aren’t compelled to welcome anger spouts from the other, but it’s a wall that we can climb together too and with welcoming it, this becomes a fun adventure.
Then sometimes I have to tell you, at the end of the journey on the barge, you not only find the calm after emptying your emotional luggage (which is already huge in itself) but there can also be some kind of reparation, because it’s only after this journey that you can see clearer between the event that got you angry and a whole lot of other affairs… which become your responsibility to sort out and there is not only healing and repairs (which is even bigger), there is gratitude and always caring and sometimes to find them it’s not exactly a straight line and absolutely no short cut. It requires this journey, so there you go, I hope this post will help you on your own journey. In my case I am about to turn forty year old in a few days, and I am doing some spring cleaning before.