my Vision Quest (2/5)
Thank you for your comments and the interest you are showing for this quest of mine. We keep on walking today because exploration is not enough. you had to confront yourself. my second learning is hence :
Confront rather than escape
it is the heart of the quest. so you don’t go to Nepal to escape (from what?!); it is all the contrary. you get there to confront yourself to a magic mirror. You prepare your intentions, you show yourself to the spirits of the mountains, to the sun, to the earth.
you ask your questions respectfully to the universe.
and you can get both a slam in your face or a marvelous symphony of encouragements. it is just sublime. i have realized that you cannot know yourself by remaining in the same worlds. physical or psychological ones. You cannot know who you are when never confronted to your attachments, your own indoctrinations, your social constructs, any other kind of constructs. and then you understand :
That everything you learn can be unlearnt
everything, everything, everything… except this infinitely small thing, this small piece of being, that does not worth more than and ant, but is as sacred as it. maybe that is what “me” means. this intractable thing that never varies, whatever the circumstances are. and if ever you want to discover what it is, then i think it is good to confront to the unknown. the great unknown. only that will help revealing your true self.
for example, after Spirit Horse, but even more on the hill (i’ll get back to that later), this anchor in nature totally overwhelmed me. I grew up in cities, the idea to lie on the ground really panicked me. i was scared of being “defiled”, of getting wet, transpierced (what?… THERE IS A SEXUAL CONNOTATION TO THIS?!) and there, on the hill , I did not even want to sleep under my tarpaulin anymore. only the sky could be my shelter. my mattress died the very first night, and my bones were getting more projecting with the fast, so the thorns of pine on the ground became my mattress. and even all the small beasts were welcomed. just before we left for the quest, plenty of spiders were coming towards me. all different, in shapes, sizes and colors. what a sign (louise bourgeois if you hear me…). i would push them away but they would come back all the time. i had to allow them. welcome them. so all these frights against nature just vanished. gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.
a friend of mine sent me this wish fro the quest : may the mirror be honest. and yes the adventure is not soft. and when soft, it was intensively soft. but yes, it is not a “new age” experience, no “dolphin talks” as we were told. to some extend it is rather brutal. without any concession. with the hunger, sometimes the cold, this total lack of confort, your protections all end up falling.
so indeed, in the confrontation, beyond these “light” phobia (like the one I had about nature), the quest also give rise to your greatest fears, death, greatest anxiety, ghosts, greatest sorrow, traumas. you also discover the limits given by the strength of your ego, your own lies, arrangements, stories you tell to yourself. things you identify to… all these constructs.
for thousands of other issues, I acknowledge to have more questions than answers now. i have come back but still feel wandering. my soul still seems gallivanting. in quest. we were likewise told that the true quest begins when you turn the key of your door, back “home”.
it is highly possible that this situation lasts a little bit. that i’ll remain “in between” for some time. pfff… where is the true life?
maybe in this… “i am”.
see you tomorrow.