Beauty will still not save me

My Anger May

Painting by Truc-Anh

This painting has been made by my brother the night after the elections. “To draw someone helps me to understand. To observe without any judgement, like Buddhists do. I don’t want to blame his supporters and want to listen their dominant voice. I want to understand.”

I was still in shock. I felt deeply uncomfortable in front of both the painting and what my brother wrote. I came back a thousand times to look at it. Until a huge anger began to rise.

This kind of anger I know so well. This anger that is not just because of the actions of other people or this shameful reality, but this anger that belongs to me. This anger that I had spent so much time denying, and that i eventually recognize, accept, get to know. this anger, that is actually strong enough to open the doors of my own… darkness.

We know that the eye reads very well what written in black on white. The contrary is much less easy. the white ghost, that emerges from black darkness are more difficult to see. But still, will i take the chance to consider them, knocking at the door of my conscious?

So, i kept on looking at this portrait. In brainstormings, we sometimes had this game, that enables him or her to reject their own scepticism, and preconceived ideas. every participant is given an object and has to describe it by beginning every sentences by ” this object is totally me, because…” hence, instead of developping limits, it helps binding people together i, an open-mindness, care and creativity. So I did the same with this portrait. I look at it in the eyes, as it was a mirror of myself. Here is what I saw :

 

1/ ARROGANCE

We have talked a lot about these filter bubbles, these fake realities we are creating. I remember Jopsin, who totally lost it by arrogantly assuming he would be the next French President… well he did not get to the 2nd round… What do I need more to deal with my own arrogance? the one that makes me always have the final word, the one that treats the others like cons?

I remember receiving a message from one of my readers. She cried after reading one of my post where I was mocking “demonstrations for all” (responding to the pro-gay “wedding for all” movement). She told me “I don’t blame homosexual people, I am not afraid of them. But can’t I say i believe in the complementarily between men and women?” I answered her a very long mail to expose my point of view. had no answer since. So, how many other people have I hurt? In how many people have I nourished this feeling of humiliation? how many mini-Hitler have I fed, with my jokes, my likes, my applause? How do I, myself, have participated in spreading anger, hatred, intolerance, in-betweners feelings?

How what I do here participates in creating these “feel-good” bubbles, that take us away from reality? because the reality is MILLIONS OF PEOPLE VOTE TRUMP, FARAGE and LE PEN… MILLIONS!!!!

 

2/ COWARDNESS

This election has put myself into anger… against myself. against my inaction! Hum… ok let us be fair with myself, I do whatever I can to grow, build myself wisely, help my kids grow, help build good relationship with my parents, brothers, ex husband, lover, friends and even you! I try to build this blog like a potential transformative action on myself and on you. that is fairly good…

BUT what have done since father Le Pen made it to the second tour of French presidencial election? It has been 15 fucking years?!!!! Did I really put my creativity, my time, my strength for a civic effort? NO?

 

ok why then?

… hem well ok, because, I am scared?

why?

… hem well ok, because I have no answers to bring? it is to big.

But since when have answers in our life (yes I CAN talk to myself) have been the fruits of providence? Since when have we found something without searching for it? Since when?

 

I am repeating the same error as last year after Paris attacks, waiting for someone to tell me what to do, I am wiating for daddy to tell me what to do (well you mean like Trump supporters just did?!). I am waiting like a child because I am scared like a child.

WELL I AM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE!

(well i am not supposed to be)

I remember last summer, i was “blocked” in a bar wagon with 3 awful guys. they were from Michael Page, with their friday faces-off, having a very loud, outrageous locker room talk. There were several people there, there was a daddy with his little girls. We were revolted but we just all shut up. Jerry was waiting for me at the station and I told him : “actually, I am such a coward. I can’t get over my fear. How can I do?

– well I guess, just… do! There is nothing to add, isn’t it?”

So ok, it is good now, I have no answers but I am going to search and act differently. Help differently, serve others in a more conscious civic way. Democracy is not only voting every 5 years. And If I, who have everything in this system, if I don’t change anything, those who have nothing can legitimaly be angry at me. The question is not to know wether Le Pen will be my next President, but can I act as an individual to help as much as I can? To be useful and also not disgust myself the day after the election. I fucking have Kids!!!!

 

3. ANGER

I told last year, that I did not know what to do with my anger. And I just found that my uncontrolled anger has led to mocking others who don’t think the way i do. Which is against my values and participate in a shameful society I am fighting against… Shit!
And i keep shouting here (well can you hear me?!!!). But for the first time of my life, i have also met an anger that has been extremely… creative to me. It helped me understand so much. and grow. Mostly, I have understood I could not (it always depends ont the step your on in your life) only count on positive glowing part anymore.

We have said lately Beauty would not save me, and this is taking me to another edge today. But if Beauty cannot save me, my anger is doing the job. And I will use it to grow into this  kind of “peaceful warrior”.

I look at this painting again and it is still painful, but I think it may reflect some of our societies issues, the fake society we are part of that refuses to face reality. To all the American people who shout “not my president” “This is not America”. well, it is a shame but, yes it is! How can we rise high if we deny reality?!

Light emerges from the darkness. But for that, I have to acknowledge the darkness of both my heart, and the world. To believe I am filled with light because I think and act good, that good things happen because they are good, is just not facing reality. It is refusing to consider light as a hope, that fuels us with hope, but that is a horizon to reach out, while i am in the middle of a tunnel. Bringing back light needs us to dig into our darkness.

My brother paints monsters, my man is specialized into the darkside. I have been working on beauty, welcoming, joy for such a long time. This may sound so contradictory! But actually, it is just the opposite : it is complementary.  And if I can open the doors of my little hell, to myself and to you, it is because I love myself so much, I can now go and look “really” see what is “in there”. And even use it (am I fucking creative? yes or no?!) This quest help me to be whole and not only good (“Do you want to be Good? or Whole?” said Jung). And for those who have asked me how to stop being a little girl/boy, well this maybe is the beginning of an answer for you. So, could you describe to me that painting? Don’t forget the rule “it is me because…”  

Here are some links that give awareness and strength, for a welcoming, embracing action to come.

Love for you all!

Activate your Inner activist : Eric Liu : Why Do People Have to understand Power

We Also want to get Rid of That system. Just begin with yourself : Russel Brand and his Trews

Deepak Chopra : When we can’t face our own shadow, it gets embodied in figures like Trump who gleefully let the dark side of human nature romp in public. After Trump, What Will It Take to Heal?

HyperNoramlsation by Adam Curtis

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